Secret Societies and Stuff

It’s a romantic idea: dark rooms, hundreds of candles, men in hoods, secret handshakes, coded messages, and the knowledge that you are amongst an elite few. There’s just a few problems: it would suck low-hanging donkey bawlz.

A secret society is great thought experiment but the execution is sloppy and often times boring. For instance, secret societies are built upon…well…secrets. The entire purpose is to be exclusionary. So, it’s their job to keep people on the outside guessing about what happens on the inside. Sound fun? Well, as anybody who has spoken to ex-secret society members understand—nothing really happens on the inside. There’s small talk, mind-numbingly long rituals, and the occasional meeting. It’s just like church. But instead of just Sunday, it’s twice a week. Church twice a week.

Not to mention, it’s a completely empty extracurricular. Do their loved ones want to know what happened at last week’s meeting? Well, they can’t tell them. And, even if they could, they would bore the shit out of their families with the retelling of discussions about banal marital discourse. Invigorating.

Now, let’s just say you are apart of the illusive Shadow Government, Cryptocracy, or the Bilderberg Group, and let’s say they have ultimate control. Oh, what they would do with such power. Unfortunately, it would look something like a child playing with blocks. They would start by playing happily, then they’d get tired, then they’d cry, alienate the people around them with their misplaced anger, and then they’d crap their pants.

I believe it would be similar to dating the most beautiful woman on the planet. Eventually, you realize you are just in a relationship, dating someone who is probably a shit conversationalist and slightly vain. Even if she was nice, you’re still stuck in a relationship. Don’t fool yourself—they’re all the same. Her being gorgeous will take a backseat after the first year and then you’ll wonder how such a pretty person can be such a slob. Toenail clippings on the couch? Really?

But, back to the secret society: consider the elated feels you would experience your first year in a secret society as powerful as the Illuminati is proposed to be. Then consider how it would degrade to clubhouse roughhousing, filled with a bunch of people you don’t like. Too, you’re wielding absolute power and that would get pretty boring. What? You destroyed all the people you don’t like? Then what? You have as much money as you want, the most beautiful wife, the most accessible luxuries, and … you’re bored. As once said, and I’m paraphrasing, if you have everything you could possibly want you would lose all motivation for future endeavors.

I suppose the point is that exclusionary clubs aren’t all they are cracked up to be under the scrutiny of initial ruminating. In a state where citizens pride themselves on social clubs, such as biker gangs, Friday night knitting sessions, or even annual play-dates, the exclusionary properties of said societies are often superfluous in the face of inclusionary activities that are more beneficial to the social aspects of our lives.